Ray Kinsella, Holly Golightly & Hawkeye Pierce Help Us See How To Empower Ourselves!

My favorite baseball movie is the 1989 fantasy-drama Field of Dreams starring Kevin Kostner, the impeccable James Earl Jones, and Amy Madigan.

The main character, Ray Kinsella, plows down his cornfield to build a baseball field after repeatedly hearing a voice whispering, “If you build it, he will come.” Ray builds the field, and a ballplayer - Shoeless Joe Jackson – appears on the field after it is finished. Ray realizes how surreal this is since Shoeless was involved in the 1919 Black Sox Scandal! After gaining Ray’s approval, Shoeless brings in the rest of his team members to play a game on Ray’s field. When the game ends, the team disappears into the cornfield, leaving one lone player behind, slowly packing up his gear. After this player packs his gear, he slowly stands up and turns around to face Ray and his family. Ray’s jaw drops after he realizes the player is his father as a young man.

RAY TO HIS WIFE, ANNIE: “Oh my G-d. It’s my father.”

ANNIE (referring to the whispers Ray had heard): “Ease his pain. Go the distance.”

RAY to SHOELESS JOE: “It was you.”

SHOELESS JOE: “No, Ray, it was you.”

RAY TO ANNIE: “My G-d. I only saw him years later when he was worn down by life. Look at him. He’s got his whole life in front of him, and I’m not even a glint in his eye.”

That scene still sends shivers up my spine. When the movie was first released, I was mesmerized by its messages of hopeful spirituality, living your dreams, believing in second chances, and believing in yourself. As I grow older and watch it repeatedly, I begin to understand deeper meanings in these messages that my 30-year-old self did not understand.

At age 53, I understood the phrase “he was worn down by life.” So much happens to us while life moves on. Stress, worries, illness, sadness, jealousy, heartache, self-pity, and guilt. Everyone experiences these at one time or another – there’s no escaping it.

When I think of my life in 1989, my 30-year-old self was a newlywed, enjoying a life filled with love and laughter. I worked part-time (my MS forced me to cut back on my hours), taking vacations to Europe or short jaunts to our favorite spots in coastal Maine or Western Massachusetts. Aside from my MS, I enjoyed relatively good health, so as a young couple, we were always busy with friends and family. It was a magical time. Our life was as we wanted it to be.

In the book/movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the main character, Holly Golightly, describes her anxieties to her boyfriend, Paul Varjak, like this:

HOLLY GOLIGHTLY: “You know those days when you get the mean reds?”
PAUL VARJAK: “The mean reds. You mean like the blues?”
HOLLY GOLIGHTLY: “No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”

Truman Capote was utterly brilliant when he wrote those few words about anxiety. Most of us are like Holly when we experience the “mean reds” at one time or another. We inexplicably find ourselves in situations beyond our control - we lose our jobs, live with an incurable illness, are depressed when we don’t feel well, and our children grow up and move away. Sometimes friends become distant and unattainable, our bodies don’t cooperate like they used to or we forget what we did yesterday. Daily stress becomes terribly overwhelming.

All of this can contribute to anxiety and feeling worn down by life.

In an episode of the long-running medical drama/black comedy M*A*S*H, Captain Hawkeye Pierce speaks to Company Clerk Lieutenant Walter “Radar” O’Reilly about Radar’s concerns that his mother, a widow, recently began dating. Hawkeye, whose father is a widower, explains to Radar, "Loneliness is all it's cracked up to be."

As life moves on, things change. People move away or grow distant or pass away. Making new friends as we age is difficult; holding onto friends takes tender loving care. When we are children, it’s easy to make friends; we go out and play, and our biggest concern is what game we should play! During adolescence, we make friends in school. In our twenties and thirties, we are “finding” ourselves by dating, finding a job, and getting married. In our forties, we have children and are involved in raising them. We are busy with our families and careers while trying to balance both.

When we reach our fifties – or shall I say when I reached my fifties – life changed in ways I was unprepared for. People went their separate ways for many reasons. Some were empty nesters and wanted to move to a new town. Some began new careers that took them in a different direction. Some followed their own version of “The American Dream” by purchasing a second home, buying sportier cars, sprucing themselves up, or having an exclusive circle of friends. This change in friendships has been, admittedly, a difficult change for me to understand.

I believe in loyalty, trust, truthfulness, and honesty in friendships. Is someone having a hard day? A five-minute phone call to them can help ease their pain. An invitation to get together at their convenience? A return email, text, or phone call to answer an invite is good manners and a sign of a sincere friend. Did someone discuss an illness in the family? A call to say, “Hey, I’m thinking of you, and I’m here for you,” helps someone feel they are not alone. We are all on a treadmill of work and home life, and we all have to prioritize what we can do within the confines of one single day. I still strongly believe we should all hold dear the value of helping one another whenever possible, being there for someone else during good and bad times, and doing our best to try to lift someone’s spirits - always paying it forward to the next person.

Yes, Hawkeye, loneliness IS all it’s cracked up to be. Being surrounded by good friends is the antidote.

I’ve spent much time lately thinking about my life and what changes I need to make to EMPOWER myself, heal from past hurt, and begin focusing on what’s good in my life to move forward. I took out a pad and pen and made a list of everything I was blessed with. The list was long! It’s an excellent exercise if you need to re-focus your thinking on all the blessings in your life. Once I made my list, I felt rejuvenated.

As I always say, I am a work in progress. Empowering myself as I get older is part of that work. Ideally, I’d like to avoid being worn down by life like Ray Kinsella’s father, having any anxiety like Holly Golightly, or feeling lonely like Hawkeye’s dad. Life moves fast and is always changing. So I will continue breathing my yoga breaths and focus on the positive side of life. Along this journey, I hope to continue embracing like-minded people like you, who will help make the journey less anxious, less lonely, and always more rewarding. I hope I can do the same for you!

“The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.” ~Henry David Thoreau

On a final note, a dear friend of mine emailed me a timely message that was extremely meaningful to me. I hope it will be for you, too:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - Anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it briefly and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."

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Menopause and Empowering Ourselves

"Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause, you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles." ~ Author Unknown

Menopause (or the "change of life" ((ugh))) = being irritable, annoyed, bitchy, sad, quarrelsome, snappy, gloomy, sour, bad-tempered, harsh, reclusive, sarcastic, distressed, scared, depressed, or agitated. If I missed a word that best describes your perimenopause/menopause experience, please let me know, and I'll add it!

For those of you who breezed through menopause without any symptoms, my heartiest congratulations. You have escaped something akin to an alien invading your body to take control of you.

You have been blessed by missing out on the excitement of experiencing sudden hot flashes that turn you into a raving lunatic because you need to quickly peel off your soaking-wet clothes.

You are lucky because you never had to listen to your voice shouting angry or nonsensical words toward an innocent bystander, words you would ordinarily never say.

It feels like an out-of-body experience.

Let's back up to the first "change" a girl's body goes through. When I was in the sixth grade, my parents signed a permission slip for me to see a "special film" at school - for girls only.

The film was shown in one classroom filled with 30 curious 12-year-old girls.

Sitting at our desks, we anxiously waited for the teacher to turn off the lights. When the film began, the title read, "It's Wonderful Being a Girl" (Johnson & Johnson, 1968).

The film talked about how our bodies were changing, preparing us for womanhood, and how this wonderful thing called "menstruation" (The Curse!) would be happening to us any day.

The town in the movie was right out of Mayberry, and the females reminded me of "The Stepford Wives" – where beautiful, perfectly coiffed young girls and their mothers lived in a wealthy suburban community.

So, was it wonderful being a girl? On most days, I would have said "yes." However, regarding the hormonal fluctuations I experienced during my "time of the month," I would have wholeheartedly disagreed. Cramps, bloating, irritability.

All tolerable symptoms, except during bathing suit season when it was a royal pain!

The women of my parent's generation were not communicative about sex or the human anatomy. It's not their fault: that is how they were taught, and they grew up believing that's how things should be. (The first time I got my period was before I saw the "It's Wonderful Being a Girl" film. I was always an early bloomer. I didn't know what was happening and felt scared to death!)

These days, young girls are aware of menstruation and the "facts of life" at an early age. I think parents must have an open dialogue with their young daughters; this will give young girls a clear understanding of their physiological selves and a strong awareness of who they are and what they should expect from their bodies as they grow older.

"You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation." ~Brigham Young

Now let's fast-forward to life in 2012 – it is my "Age of Menopause." I once watched a program on PBS featuring Dr. Christiane Northrup, an authority on women's health and wellness and someone I admire for her unique look at women's health issues.

Dr. Northrup spoke about how women need to make peace with their menopausal symptoms, pointing out that this is a natural occurrence in our bodies. It's a natural part of the aging process, something we should embrace instead of fighting against.

Hormonal changes, an inability to achieve the proper amount of sleep, depression, dry skin, loss of sex drive, hormone replacement, fluctuations in weight, sadness, and forgetfulness; are some of the myriad issues associated with menopause.

When I first heard Dr. Northrup say I should make peace with menopause, I thought she was crazy. Make peace with feeling like some extraterrestrial creature? How do I begin to do that?

I always believed that we are given a special gift each day we wake up, and we should cherish that gift and hold it dear. Carpe Diem, I always say. But when you feel lousy and out of control, how can you seize the day?

The more I listen to or read one of Dr. Northrup's books (I recommend her book, The Wisdom of Menopause), the better I feel.

I have also listened to some clips of her as a guest on The Rachel Ray Show. She spoke about the positive side of menopause – yes, there is one!

Examples are women having better sex and taking better care of their bodies, thus feeling more fit and energetic. They also have better self-esteem and confidence at this point in their life. This all comes from a better awareness of their changing bodies, enabling them to live "out loud."

(Okay, so I borrowed that phrase from the title of one of Anna Quindlen's books!)

Dr. Northrup has shown me the positive side of going through menopause and explained some things I can do to help me through the darker days of this change in life.

We are all works in progress.

I value talking to my closest friends about what they are experiencing; we swap stories and information on what we've learned and how we feel about our bodies changing.

Communicating with people you trust is so important during menopause.

I also choose to research safe, natural supplements to help me get through my days of irritability, sadness, and the disappointing reapportioning of body weight.

I like reading Dr. Andrew Weil's suggestions on natural supplements and often follow his advice. (You can also read what he says about Menopause and Weight Gain.)

When I thought I needed to consider hormone replacement (I did not need it) and wanted to investigate bioidentical hormones, I read an exciting book by Suzanne Somers called "Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones."

If you are considering hormone replacement, I thought this was a good read and recommend reading it. (Don't hesitate to contact your doctor and talk to them about hormone replacement and any issues you may be experiencing.)

So, here we are on another one of life's journeys, taking another step forward down our long road.

As Anna Quindlen said, "The older we get, the better we get at being ourselves. We're not busy being born but busy being born again." (More Magazine, May 2012, Page 156)

Once again, Ms. Quindlen is right (she's proven to me over the years that she always is).

In this chapter of our life, we are being born again not only inside of our bodies, but in our souls, in our spirits, and most importantly, our hearts.

We are ALL beautiful works in progress.

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Empowering our children...and ourselves.

“The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.” ~Elizabeth Metcalf

NOTE TO READERS: For An Empowered Spirit, some of you may wonder why I’ve chosen the following topic - how mainstream media affects the self-esteem and values of young people worldwide. After all, I started promising to write about issues affecting people aged 50 and over. I believe this subject directly affects us, so I hope you will read on to find out why…

Last night my husband and I watched an insightful documentary entitled “Miss Representation,” a film produced, directed, and written by Jennifer Siebel Newsom, a remarkably bright and articulate young woman who is a filmmaker, speaker, former actress, and advocate for women, girls, and their families. It was a powerful film discussing how mainstream media portrays girls and women in a negative and often demoralizing light. Pat Mitchell, the President and CEO of The Paley Center for Media, said, “The media is the message and the messenger, and increasingly a powerful one.”

Women are sexually exploited in music videos, television commercials, reality shows, movies, and print media. Entertainment magazines are brimming with movie and television stars that are either too thin or have had plastic surgery to make them more “beautiful.” One young woman interviewed asked, “When will it be enough?” Another one said, “There is no appreciation for women intellectuals. It’s all about the body, not about the brain.”

“I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on.” ~Billy Joel

Let’s face it - sex sells; advertisers have known this for years. Put a pretty girl in an ad for jeans, and women run out to buy them. Remember the Brooke Shields commercial when she asked, “You wanna know what comes between me and my Calvin’s? Nothing.” That double entendre – boy, did it work! I remember strolling through Times Square in New York City, where there was a gigantic billboard of Ms. Shields wearing a pair of Calvin Klein Jeans. Her derriere was greatly exaggerated as the focal point of that billboard; she was 15 at the time and looked flawlessly sexy and beautiful. NOTE: I must plead guilty here – very guilty. I was part of the targeted demographic – a young collegiate at a small, private school. The ad worked. I promptly purchased a pair of Calvin’s and proudly wore them, sort of a badge of beauty and sexuality. I admit it; they made me feel good.

The Calvin Klein ads of the 1970s, and others like it, were gentle compared to today's ads. We are now deluged with scantily clad women in aggressive situations, appearing in all types of advertisements that subliminally (yet most times outwardly) suggest to young women that you need to have a certain body type to be happy, popular, or successful. We need to stop and ask ourselves – is the mainstream media’s portrayal of women the portrayal we want our young women to grow up accepting as appropriate and normal? (To be fair, ads also suggest to young men that they must have a certain look or attitude to fit in; they should want to own a cool car to be happy and successful. Having a son, I was always cognizant of advertising geared toward young men. Ads in both print media and on the screen portray and dictate how teen boys should look, act and feel to be cool enough to be accepted and popular among their peers. This is unfair and inappropriate.)

“Reality TV is the contemporary cultural backlash against women’s rights…one of the worst is this notion that women exist to be decorative, women exist to be stupid, women are considered golddiggers, bitchy, catty….” ~ Jennifer Pozner, Executive Director, Women in Media & News, Author Reality Bites Back, in an interview for the film Miss Representation

Beyond the world of advertising, we are constantly inundated with the onslaught of reality programs such as Keeping Up With The Kardashians (as discussed at MissRepresentation.org.) Why is America so fascinated with this sort of reality program? Again, we must ask ourselves - are these the kind of role models we want for young people? Are having money, beauty, and fame more important in our society than teaching values like the importance of education, leadership, accountability, and responsibility? Girls learn at a young age that their body – how they look and not how they think – is what gives them value.

In high school, I witnessed peers working very hard at trying to be accepted based on their appearance. They went on many unhealthy fad diets to be thin, constantly believing a treadmill of misconceptions about what provides true happiness and success. Some became clinically depressed, anorexic, or bulimic. Some used casual sex as a way of trying to gain approval. Today's young women need to be better educated about gaining a strong sense of self-esteem, confidence, and pride. They need better role models enabling them to value themselves enough to reach for the stars, understanding that they are good enough to become our leaders of tomorrow.

Women in leadership, particularly in government, are lacking. In the film Miss Representation, Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker explained that because women are not well represented in governmental roles, we are “shortchanging their voices” by not being heard. As Gloria Steinem explained, we are choosing our leaders from 6% of the country of married/over 35/college educated with professional degree males. According to Jennifer Lawless, Associate Professor of Government Director, Women & Politics Institute at American University, “There is something fundamentally wrong with our political institutions.” If we don’t have women in leadership positions, how can we possibly have women’s points of view on political issues?

“Women make up 51% percent of the population, yet comprise only 17% of Congress.” ~ Miss Representation

Many issues directly affect women, yet we don’t have enough women in leadership roles expressing their points of view and voting on the issues that matter most to women.

I always loved Sen. Barbara Mikhulski (D-Maryland) for her outspokenness, her feistiness, and, well, her chutzpah. She is the longest-serving female senator and the longest-serving woman in the history of the U.S. Congress, having served since 1977.

In Miss Representation, she discusses an important women’s issue in a short clip of her speech at the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver, saying, “It’s an absolute scandal that America’s women continue to earn just 77 cents for every dollar men earn.”

“More countries have understood that women's equality is a prerequisite for development.” ~Kofi Annan

Another important issue touched on in the film is domestic abuse. Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minnesota) spoke about women who were victims of domestic abuse being denied coverage because their abuse was considered a pre-existing condition. Absolutely shameful!

Aside from interviews previously mentioned, Miss Representation also interviewed a group of high school girls and boys, as well as luminaries such as Condoleeza Rice, Nancy Pelosi, Gloria Steinem, Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, Rosario Dawson, Geena Davis, Carol Jenkins, Margaret Cho, Lisa Ling, Jane Fonda, Senator Diane Feinstein, Dee Dee Myers, Candy Crowley, and Susan Molinari - and too many others to mention here.

I believe we can empower each other, including our children, by using the strength of our voices to tell others that women deserve to be portrayed with dignity and intelligence. As some suggested in the documentary, by boycotting movies, television programs or magazines displaying disparaging portrayals of women, we are proclaiming that women are important - we have value and we matter.

Our responsibility – and our legacy – is to leave this world a better place for our children, a world where we are all truly equal.

“Children… are our legacy. Our responsibility. They are our destiny and we are theirs. The extent to which we fail as parents, we fail as G-d’s children.” ~Dirk Benedict

*A special thank you to the people at MissRepresentation.org for their permission to write about their film in my blog. Go to their website and sign up to get involved in one of their campaigns. As they say: ”MissRepresentation.org is a call-to-action campaign that seeks to empower women and girls to challenge limiting labels to realize their potential and to encourage men and boys to stand up to sexism. Join the movement. Start taking action today.”

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