Women of my generation were not always taught as young girls to be self-reliant but were instructed to do well in school, build a community of friends and marry well. We learned early on that boys were groomed for careers while girls were groomed to sew, cook and look nice.
The tides slowly changed after the second wave of feminism. Popular culture reflected these changes with television shows like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Alice and One Day at a Time where the protagonists were self-reliant women, albeit arriving there under different circumstances. They were smart, savvy ladies.
Several years ago I recall chatting with other stay-at-home moms at a book club meeting. My decision to stay home to raise our son is one I’ll never regret. During our discussion one mom, an attorney with two children who worked part time, said something I’ll never forget. She attended law school because of her grandmother’s advice: Women should work to earn their own income, depositing part of their paycheck into a bank account of their own. No woman should be fully dependent on anyone.
As much as I wanted to be self-reliant my career choices were never breadwinners. Yet raising a child and all that the “job” entailed created a fifty-fifty proposition in our home. My husband and I always saw each other as providers on an equal playing field. That is part of what makes our marriage a strong one.
“Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back.” ~ Jodi Picoult, Second Glance
I also believe in the value of community, a term that morphed from like-minded people living in the same community to people finding one another on social media.
If we were all completely self-reliant there wouldn’t be a need for community, and Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest would have never survived. We wouldn’t be interested in helping, supporting and lifting each other up. A great society needs to have a strong sense of community in order to survive.
Growing up I loved having a lot of friends. During teenage angst and changing hormones my heart would sometimes get broken. Yet I always picked myself up and moved on.
“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” ~Haruki Murakami
It’s in that heartache where important lessons are learned.
A true friend will laugh and cry with you. They’ll support you in your choices and tell you when you’re wrong. They’ll love you in your darkest and brightest moments.
And you will shine a light their way as well.
In midlife the definition of community changes. The revised definition applies to the rules of blogging as well if we want our blogs to be well-received. We seek love, support, guidance, a friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and mutual respect.
In a week filled with sadness from the passing of two giants who left us too soon I thought a lot about being self-reliant and creating community. We can't be completely self-reliant because we all need to be part of a community, no matter what size, shape or form.
David Bowie and Alan Rickman relied on their great gifts to create the communities who mourn for them. They will forever remain in our hearts.
How are you building your community?
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Community has always been a tough one for me. Either I didn't fit in, or because of my natural preference for solitude, I'd forget to reach out. It's taken me a few years, but I'm starting to find my place. It does take reaching out and it does take being out there. Thanks for the reminder.
Sometimes I prefer solitude too, but it is always a comfort to know my community is there if I need it. Awesome post and I love your graphic, Cathy!
Being part of a number of caring and supportive communities (both on- and off-line) has been my lifeline these past few months. I can't imagine life without my 'tribe' and hope that they value my friendship as much as I do theirs.
I'm learning about communities with BSL. Making connections with others who have the same goals....different visions of how those goals are met, but all heading in the same direction.
Yesterday i watched Sense and Sensibility with my mom for about the millionth time. I was smiling at how much I just loved Alan Rickman. I vowed to follow his movie work more. And then today the news. So bummed. Yes, it is nice to have a community of friends to raise our spirits during tough times. Lovely post.
Self-reliance and sense of community for women can be at odds with each other. As many have mentioned, as writers, we can revert into our own worlds. It takes work to be a friend but sooo rewarding! I dearly love my blogging community and am very happy to be in yours, Cathy.
Community gets harder to keep and maintain as one grows older, Cathy - at least, that's what I find in my experience. But I admit it's important to have one.
besutifully written, Cathy! Absolutely true in that we need our friends and all they have to offer through good times and bad. For me....being a giver and doer ...learning to lean and accept support came only after my husband passed away. Numb and sad, I learned life lessons and gratitude big time. It's why my online groups and fellow bloggers mean so much to me! Well done...as your way with words always are!
It sure has been a sad week:(
I have never appreciated community as much as I appreciate it now, both online and in person. It feels so good to have so many people to share good news, bad news and pure nonsense with. have a great weekend.
I'm reminded of that, too, this month, as a group of friends and family mourn the loss of my BFF. Community helps so much.
Community is critical to me. Not having it as much locally as I used to do, I have learned to enjoy it online.
I love my community of Real Life friends; many are like my family. My community of "Virtual" friends like you, Cathy, have become an unexpected treasure these last few years. I feel very fortunate.
Building community is one of the most important things, and I think the places we get left out and rejected form our basis for determined inclusion and encouragement. I think that's why 1000Speak and the Ten Things of Thankful work so well - we are determined to seek the good.
That Murakami quote is my manta.
Great sentiments. Thank you for this reminder that community can come from so many places. You just have to look for it.
I'm just figuring out that I'm both shy and an introvert. Community has always been tough for me because it exhausts me and there is good and bad to that. So i focus on a small community. That seems to make the most sense for me.
I love being part of a community, but often times feel like I'm outside looking in. I'm such an introvert it makes it hard to be a joiner.
Great post Cathy. Community is a concept that I think can encompass many feelings, when you are a part of one and when you are not and when you are seeking one, but always when you are accepted in one. In my younger years I had work friends, girl friends, couple friends, neighbor friends etc., but it wasn't until I became ill did I realize they were all my friends in my community.
I move a lot (8 states and probably more ahead of me). I start building community through my church, but I also have friends from the gym, my kids' parents, and friends from work, school and volunteer work. And thank heavens for social media! I can carry friendships with me when I relocate. It lessens the pain of rebuilding community in the new town. It takes 1 to 2 years, and those first few months are horrible. I try to be very nice to people who are new to towns where I am acclimated. I know how it feels to be the new person.
You are so right, now that we have the internet and our sweet blogging community - we have access to a wonderful group of support and love. Many of these folks we haven't ever met. I am a people person. My community and the sisterhood are like oxygen for me. It is interesting as I watched my mother vs my mother-in-law live out their elder years - my mother-in-law lead a more full- meaningful life because she stayed active with an organization of women until her last breath at 96. My mother was isolated from her friends beginning at 91 and immediately aged physically and mentally. She passed away at 95 very alone and sad. It broke my heart. My older sister encouraged her to do this.....I tried to discourage her - but to no avail. She had been such an active people person. Thank you for reminding us all how important we are to each other! Another great empowering blog!
It's a weird thing: I'm extroverted, and even though I appreciate feeling a part of many 'communities' I don't need, or seek, being surrounded by them. I have a handful of wonderful close friends and that satisfies me. Of course, I have you- so there's THAT! Thank God. You'd come a runnin' if I needed you, I know that. XXOO
I so grateful for my community of family and friends. It's so comforting to know I have people I can truly count on and they can count on me!
That is a good question. My husband's "Don" community is there for me, but I really don't have groups of friends I hang out with...it is a more one on one type of thing for me. I really should join a reading group, or get back to Liberal Ladies who Lunch.
Because I'm such a loner (not shy; just not real open and such), building community isn't always top of mind for me. So thank you for the reminder. I'm thankful that of the few communities I halfway participate in, you are in most! xoxo
Community is always important but even more so now that the world often seems so crazy. I feel very lucky to have a great network of people I love in real life and online, and that makes a huge difference. We have a tribe waiting for you here any time you're ready, my friend 🙂
That's a great question, building a blogging community is one of the most important things you can do. I was raised the same way as you and chose to stay home with my children especially when they were little. It wasn't until I was in my 40's that I completed my masters degree and worked as a full-time professional. I loved my decision to do stay home with my kids and never regret it either. Great post Cathy, very relateable!
Community is what brought me to the blogging world. I felt I could connect with women who were at the same stage in life as I was -- and I was right! I've been lucky enough to meet you Cathy, and a whole network of women who inspire and delight me. You've all carried me through times of highs and lows. For that, I'm grateful.
Kimberly XO
Community and the right kind of support are essential for women. I find that whether it's writing, activism or emotional support the right kind of community makes a difference.
Being part of a community has always been difficult for me. As an only child born to older parents in a larger extended family where I was the youngest by a decade, I've always been rather solitary. So, too, have I always chosen my small circle of friends with a cautious hand. Since starting to blog, I've learned to open myself up a bit more, though it's definitely outside my comfort zone. The blogging community has been far more welcoming and accepting than I ever thought it could be, and it's all of them who are teaching me, daily, what a strong community can be to a solitary soul like me.