Who hasn't, at one time or another, been shunned, disappointed or hurt by someone we thought was our friend? Whether it happened when we're young or in adulthood we've all had friends we valued and trusted, convinced that our lives would be forever entwined. Then, suddenly, SNAP. The friendship is over and we're left wondering what went wrong.
C'mon, you know it's happened to you!
Early last year I wrote about "The Importance of Nurturing Our Friendships" because I believed in the beauty of long-lasting friendships. I still do and always will.
As part of the TV generation I grew up loving the close relationship I watched unfold between Lucy and Ethel, and in my teens I became enamored with Mary and Rhoda. I wanted what they had; that easy, honest, you-have-my-back-and-I-will-always-have-yours camaraderie that good friends have when they unconditionally care about each other.
Unfortunately those type of friendships aren't always easy to come by. After all, life is not a work of fiction. If it were we'd all be living in The Truman Show with writers pulling the strings on our friendships.
I've been lucky. Without any writers pulling my strings I met four girls in grade school who are my sister/friends. We've laughed, cried, exchanged hard truths and cheered each another on with each passing decade.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkio7TiKKH4
They say you're blessed if you have one or two good friends. While that's true I also value the new friends I've made who bring a special meaning to my life. I cherish them and do my best to tend to them because they are important to me.
People meet in friendship as the circumstances of our lives change. From the first day of school through our later years friends come in and out of our lives. Some stick around for a season while others remain by our side forever.
As we age having loyal friends becomes more important. We depend on one another for support, compassion and understanding through the joys and sorrows of life. Solid friendships help us remain socially active so that we can continue to thrive and feel a sense of belonging, These relationships help us live a longer quality of life..
But in the current age of global connections it's not always easy to make new friends. Texting, private messaging and commenting leave out the nuances of nonverbal communication and social skills. This fast-paced mode of reaching out and touching someone can never replace the value of spending quality time face-to-face with family and friends.
(NOTE: I'm glad I had my son when I did. With no cell phones, and the Internet in its infancy, there was no reason to become distracted by the chimes coming from my cell phone. A pet peeve of mine is seeing a parent pushing a baby carriage while talking on their cell phone. Put the phone down and be mindful of the magical yet fleeting time you're spending with your child! The call can wait until later.)
We crave finding communities of like-minded people, ones who share our beliefs and experiences. It's in those tribes where we'll find comfort and connection. Where can we find them? If you haven't already you can begin by taking a look at "7 Tips for Finding Your Tribe" by Lissa Rankin, M.D. as she talks about her own struggles with finding her tribe. She provides some great ideas to help us find ours.
And since this is my blog and I love Angela, Bea, Carole and James I'm going to share with you two of my favorite songs about friendship. You're welcome!
And now onto Carole and James.
Before I go I'd like to share the following quote that I enjoyed from The Daily Om, a newsletter I subscribe to, that sums up how I feel about true friendship:
Here are three interesting articles on friendship and finding your tribe:
A 3-Step Plan to Find Your Tribe (mindbodygreen by Shelly Bullard)
A Longer Life is Lived with Company (The New York Times by Elizabeth H. Pope)
7 Ways to Form Deep, Meaningful Friendships (Tiny Buddha by Annika Martins)
Great post, Cathy! I think as we get older we appreciate the value of friendship more and more. One of the benefits of social media is making friends whom you would likely never have met otherwise. Old friends, new friends -- I treasure all of them, including you, of course!
Thanks, Cathy, for another excellent post. I believe we're in the same tribe.
Not by choice I have moved so much the past few years. I need this post.
Finding good friendships in elementary school means having great Moms who prioritized getting you all together! Hurray, Mom!
I really enjoyed reading this Cathy - I have some long term and lovely friendships and thought that was always how it would be. Then....last year one of my 'good friends' stepped into my husband's job and pushed him out the door graciously and thoroughly. I just can't step past that betrayal without feeling fake, so it's hasta la vista to her for now and it gives me more time to invest in my other friends (and blogging buddies!) ~ Leanne
A beautiful post Cathy as usual. I value your friendship and I hope things are going a little smoother for you than they were. I've been thinking about you and the struggles you've been experiencing.
So true Cathy, how drawn we are to that unconditional acceptance between forever friends - much like that relationship between (healthy) siblings. And that Mary-Rhoda bond IS hard to find but I like its core quality - each one needed the other equally.
I am one of the luckiest gals I know in the friendship department. I have grade school, high school, college and new friends in the writing world. Some of these friendships run so deep and so long that I could never be grateful enough to have them in my life. Yes, it is a sustaining need for all of us. When my girls were growing up and they would have a tiff with one of their friends I would tell them: 'to have a friend you must BE a friend..that means the hard stuff, too." Love this post....and YOU! Love, Cathy Squared!
Wonderful post Cathy! I feel so blessed to have 3 best friends from childhood and a group of 4 fabulous friends I meet 12 years ago. And, I love the newer, close friends I've made through blogging. But you do need to nurture friendships and for me it's gotten easier since I became an empty nester.
So perfectly timed for me. I lost a friendship two years ago that broke my heart. Just this week I ran across her phone number and have been thinking about her a lot. It was a "poof, it's gone" experience and I still wonder why!
One of the most profound methods to understanding the impact of a friendship is that first day you navigate without one you've come to trust. The universe leads us in places to find others, though. It's quite a journey, isn't it?
I love this. I posted Lucy and Ethel on my bestie's FB page.
I've moved around so much, all my life, that it's been hard to maintain friendships. I know that's been an excuse though, too. I'm trying to find my tribe now but, at almost 60, sometimes it feels impossible. Thanks for stressing the importance of friendship. It's a good reminder for me not to give up and nurture those friendships I do have. I'm going to read Rankin article!
I think the value of finding your "tribe" is especially important here in huge and crazy NYC - the mind just can't deal with the masses and masses of people here, but you find the ones you like and the rest? You just let them go by. These days my Irish music and paddling/boating/swimming circles are so important to me; I hadn't started doing either of those when I moved here but I had a couple of good friends from college already living here at the time and that made all the difference. Simply can't imagine what it would be like without some friends already here to anchor you as you settle in.
What a lovely post on friendship. It inspires me to take care of mine more--as life often gets so busy we lose sight of the gifts, like friends, that are right in front of us. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing the beautiful thoughts and songs. Different friends - some long term from childhood. Others daily close-by friends. Most important is trust and reciprocity. But so hard to pinpoint what makes a special friend. The songs you shared are terrific. And yes, I loved and laughed with Ethel/Lucy and Mary/Rhoda and other great pairs. The best!!!
I never thought I would find my people in Arkansas... Arkansas! But I did. Kind, generous, smart women who are driven to do amazing things. I am blessed and amazed!
You are so very right,Cathy. I'm finding the older I get the harder it is to find any new tribe members. Thank goodness I have some wonderful friends that have been with me through thick and thin for the long haul.
I treasure my friends and aren't you lucky to have found a tribe you have so much in common with! I think it's hard to keep a tribe going long distance, but possible.
Women are luckier than men I think because we make friends and we nurture that friendship. I love my girlfriends. It is not to say men don't have friends and I think younger men are better, but boomer men friendship seems to be more superficial.
Lovely (and fun, with the videos) post. I'm so glad you're MY friend, that we are in the same tribe. ♥
Great post, and very though-provoking, Cathy!
Cathy,just recently I have been feeling as if I'm somewhat of a burden on my friends. Due to the fact that I am overwhelmingly fortunate I know it's me! I happen to have many dear friends for MANY MANY years along with new friendships as well. One of our favorite songs is Carole King' as well. "Beautiful" is a must see show.
To friends! Janet Tancredi
Love your post--and the music! what a celebration of friendship, tho it made me sad. I lost my best friend a few years ago and her death has been harder to deal with than that of most of my relatives. A best friend is a treasure. thanks for the reminder.
Words well said. I was just remarking to my best friend about how long we've known each other. But I'm also so glad I've met new friends like you, Cathy, during my life after 50. I like the Girl Scout motto - "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold!"
Yes - true - I have been bewildered by a 'friend' dumping me in the past. It happened recently as well when an old friend who goes back years 'unfreinded' me on Facebook. I had lost contact with her but found her again on there. Went to see her a few times. Things were not going great for her. I was shocked at the stuff she was regularly posting on Facebook. Really nasty, racist material that could easily incite more race hate.
But I didn't even consider 'unfriending' her - whatever that means. I simply ignored her misguided posts and didn't comment. Then a mutual friend took her to task over her public outpourings of hate and she promptly 'dumped' both of us.
In the past, It would have bothered me but now, I realise what a damaged person she must be to hold hate like that and I feel sorry for her. I sent a message telling her I would always be there for her and I will leave it like that.
I am lucky to have a close group of friends who are really sensible, supportive strong women. I value them so much at this time of life - more so than I ever did when I was young and fickle.
Loved your post - thank you.
[…] How To Nurture Your Friendships And Find The Right Tribe […]
Hi, Thanks for sharing a beautiful post. Friends come and go, but the true and real ones stay whenever we are in the lowest points of our life. Great Read!
New friends, old friends....one is silver and the other gold. All friends are such treasures. It's so true that as we get older the friendships get more valuable.
Wise words about friendship, and it sounds like you have some wonderful friends in your life!
This is just precious Cathy, you hit on several important points! Friends do come and go in our lives. I can just hear Lucy and Ethel singing the song and tearing the flowers off each other's dresses (without even looking at the link). I feel like I have gained a new tribe of ML women/bloggers.
As I get older, my friends become more and more dear. There's nothing like a good girlfriend who gets you. They're not easy to come by, but how wonderful when you find them.
Ah. I am sure there are days when every word of this would ring true. Today is not one of those days. I love to hear you have a clan from grade school. As an only child that was always my dream...if I couldn't have sisters as friends I could have friends as sisters. Yesterday I had a lovely tea with 8 new friends from Denver. It felt so mellow and yet connected. It his just the right note. Today I feel alone. SO I guess this post does resonate, it just doesnt confirm. A gentle reminder that this all takes work, and I can choose to focus on the connection of yesterday rather than the absence of today. Fucking hormones. By which I mean I love being a woman. Also- sometimes a lady needs to talk to her ladies when pushing that stroller. She might be on hour 3 of the walk.