There's a scene in an episode of M*A*S*H when company clerk Radar O'Reilly befriends a young, badly wounded soldier. Complications arise and the doctors rush in to save the boy, but to no avail. Radar is crushed after learning of the death and stumbles over to sit on a nearby bench. When one of the doctors, B.J. Hunnicutt, tries to comfort him, Radar utters, "I was just talking to him. How can he be alive one minute and dead the next? How can things change on a dime so quickly?" B.J. replies, "It's not much more than that."
I think, sometimes, that B.J.'s reply parallels my own life. I'm not dying of anything terminal, but I've had my share of diagnoses that have changed my life forever.
It's been a long road to get to where I am today, and this week the road got even longer.
A week ago I felt sheer joy after attending a fabulous midlife conference for women. I came away feeling inspired to do and be better in my professional life. I felt so alive and truly blessed.
One week later I received disturbing news. I have three very large kidney stones located on either side of my kidneys. Having had kidney stones six years ago I'm familiar with the pain and suffering they can cause. It's a pain worse than childbirth, one that brought me to my knees screaming for mercy.
Not a whole lot of fun.
I'm angry at my doctor, a nephrologist who never recommended a simple urine test to check for new kidney stones. I'm also angry at him for, according to my new urologist, prescribing a kidney stone medication at a dosage that was basically benign.
I'm also angry at myself for being a better advocate to others than I was for myself. I should have insisted on testing for kidney stones, but I felt safe in the care of my doctor.
I'm supposed to travel for a reunion in a few weeks with three of my dearest friends. I've known these women since I was 10 years old. We are like sisters, and we haven't been together for 15 years. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Will I be able to go?
I find myself at the starting gate one more time.
I have to have two separate procedures to be performed weeks apart. The lithotripsy "blasts" the stones into pieces using sound waves, allowing them to "pass" out of the body. Sometimes the "passing" causes great pain.
The first available appointment is seven days before my reunion. I must wait and pray the stones don't "pass" by themselves before then.
I've been "sick" for more than half of my life. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of visiting doctors, tired of medications and injections. I'm tired of pain, fatigue, weakness, and spasms. I'm tired of canceling plans, staying close to home, and having the need to explain why I'm not feeling well. I hate drawing attention to myself.
And I'm tired of wasting whatever precious time I have on this earth by dealing with illness.
I know I'm taking a risk by writing a post that's not positive or uplifting. But I think that every once in a while we all need to vent our frustrations a little when we get knocked down. It's only human. Our courage and inner strength are being tested, and there's no shame in asking for love and support to get back up again.
Next time when life changes on a dime I hope my dime will fall heads up.
Cathy, so sorry to here that you are not doing well. Have you ever talked to someone who does natural medicine? You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Cathy, I am so sorry. The prospect of more pain and procedures is awful. You are so strong and I know you'll get through it but I wish you didn't have to. I hope the community that you have given so much support to will help lift you up. You deserve it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your new health problems. Kidney stones are so painful! I'm keeping my fingers crossed the doc gets a cancellation and you can get in sooner. We all need time with our girlfriends—don't want you to miss yours!
Oh Cathy, my dear friend. Life is not fair and you have had way more than your share of illness. No wonder it gets you down. You know you can vent whenever you want to me. I'm here for you. xoxox
Cathy,
Sometimes I think these kinds of post resonate more than uplifting ones because they're so vulnerable and honest. Who hasn't "been a better advocate to others than I was for myself?" That's an important message to hear. I hope that your treatments are successful so that you can attend your reunion. Thanks for an excellent post.
Oh Cathy that just sucks there is no other way to say it. I hear ya' I am so sick of the ups and downs that we have to go through. I had a bad fall right before the conference and while I was dealing with that I found out that my White Blood Cells are critical again so now I am at home on huge amounts of steroids which mean I have slept but a couple of hours for the last three days. I felt like hell all through the conference and had to leave early because I had a migraine from the fall where I sprained my wrist and knocked my brains out on the nightstand beside my bed! I couldn't wear the nice clothes I had bought because they required shoes that I couldn't get my stupid feet into and had to switch at the last minute for sneakers to be able to walk those long, long hallways. I couldn't fix my hair or makeup because I'm right handed and it was in a brace...in other words I was a hot mess! I really hope you get through this with as less pain as possible and I will be praying for not only your health but that you get to go to that reunion. That's the worst part isn't' it getting your hopes up for something and then getting sick again!
Oh Cathy, that totally sucks. I am so sorry that you have to deal with kidney stone...3 of them yet! I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I sure hope you will be able to go to the reunion and get RENEWED again!
HI Cathy - I get it. Been there a lot myself. The one thing I've found is that it's easy to look back and say, "I shoulda" but the reality is that no one, not your former doctor, current one or anyone else (including you) knows for sure what's best with these things. At best, what we do to 'take care of ourselves' feels like a crap shoot to me and all we can do is role the dice and play the hand we're dealt. Hah! I actually wrote an article with that title and I'm hearing a blog post rising up. That said, I feel your pain and disappointment to come off such a high and face this ahead -- and the prospect of a further loss in not being with your friends. Living with illness and unpredictable upsets isn't fun -- and there's nothing heroic about it. Thank you for sharing your frustration! I hope the healing happens as easily as possible.
Cathy, that is so awful. You have every right to share your down moments with your readers and your friends. I'm sure the anticipation of the pain is in some ways worse than the actual pain itself. Sending you lots of love.
Gosh, Cathy, that's awful. Please be kind to yourself--the responsibility lies squarely with the doctor, not you. I hope this resolves without a lot of pain. xo
I'm so sorry to hear this, Cathy. My brother-in-law has suffered from kidney stones his whole life and has had many procedures and operations. Sending healing energy.
It's ok to be honest about your feelings. It's also ok to not be positive. Shit happens and when it gets in the way of real life it's damned frustrating.
I get it. I've found that it's easy to go into the 'shoulda' place. But I don't thinkthis is simple and neither your former doctor, current doctor, a naturopath or even you know for sure what any of us should do to stay or get as healthy as possible. I think it's a crap shoot and you roll the dice and play the hand you're dealt. Hah -- that's actually a title of an article I wrote so I guess I believe it. That said, it's a total drag to come off such a wonderful experience and find yourself facing this and to think you'll miss something coming up. I hope this resolves quickly and as painlessly as possible and applaud you for sharing your frustration here. As a fellow traveler, this resonates!
Sending you prayers, love and support from across the miles. You are not alone.
You sure do have a right to vent! Life is an artful balance of light, dark and everything in between.
In case you don't know, a simple of mixture of fresh lemon juice and olive oil (equal parts), is known to help prevent and even pass stones. My husband's neurologist has him drink a full lemon every day (he mixes it with water and juice) and he hasn't had a stone in years.
May your stones pass quickly and with very little ado!
Cathy, sorry for your latest health issues. Hope you feel better soon and your plans work out for you. I love reading your blog, and I love that you share your life and thoughts. I don't think that you have to be "up" all the time. We all have good days and bad. I too am tired of being "sick and tired". The only answer is to just keep keeping on.
Oh, Cathy! I'm so sorry you are going through this time. I hope and pray that the stones pass with as little pain as possible. I also hope you get to go to the reunion. I know how much fun and uplifting it is to be with friends.
I still recall the way you were there for me when I vented to you regarding a situation I was worried about. I saved your words and message and read it again and again. So vent away, my dear! It's great you're reaching out!
And take what ever strength comes from all your dear friends. Soon you will be writing a positive and uplifting post full of rich insight!! I feel it coming... :).
Cathy; I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I can understand your frustration at not feeling well. I'm sending you only the most positive thoughts for a quick resolution to this most recent setback, and hoping all will pass smoothly and painlessly!
You write whatever you want! Behind those words, I sense strength on the other side. I have no doubt that writing what you really feel leads to wellness. Thanks for sharing this. It reminds me of a sound bite from a workshop I attending where the speaker spoke about the power of having a good cry. She said, "Cry when you need to. Stop when you're done. Feel good fast!" Sending positive healing your way.
Venting helps A LOT! - and your's is definitely justifiable! I love the reference to MASH (my favorite show!). I hate the "waiting game" too, Cathy! I know the feeling as I have had MS for @13 years now. Best to you!
Kelly Connor
Even in your bluest state, you are still a bright light that shines to pierce the dark cloudy days and nights.
Will your friends be able to consider coming to you instead? I know they would if they could for you light their lives and have for years!
Cathy, first and foremost I hate that you are experiencing this, I am sending you love and healing thoughts.
As for writing about it: Personally? I want the unvarnished truths. As a writer I feel it's a privilege to give voice to a struggle, somewhere out there is a person who is in similar shoes that may not have the courage to share as you have, yet by reading your words, now feels less alone. That to me is what it is all about...
Here's hoping that you feel the arms that have wrapped around you in this thread, just as your words have wrapped around those who arrived here.
Pain SUCKS--no matter when and where it shows up and you've certainly had a big share of it. When it happens I think it is so important to focus on selfcare and doing what ever it is that makes you feel better and helps you get through it as quickly as possible. We are all different so what helps one might not be what helps another--just do what you need to do for you. You've done this before and you will do it again. I think you know there are hundreds (if not thousands) of us out here sending you our best thoughts, prayers and energy. ~Kathy
Life is not a bowl of cherries, but sometimes it's the pits. Our blogs are exactly where we should be honest and share true feelings. You have every right to speak your mind, and often getting it out there really helps. I hope all goes well and you make it to your reunion with no pain. Hang in there!
b
Aww, Cathy, I am so sorry. How frustrating and disappointing. Know you are thought of and prayed for!
Oh Cathy, my heart aches for you. As if you haven't had enough to deal with on a daily basis, now you are confronted with this. Life can be so unfair. I can appreciate your frustration with thwarted plans, incompetent doctors and an unclear diagnosis. May your weary spirit be lifted by those you inspire regularly through your words and actions.It may be only a very small thing, but I am sending you extra special cyber hugs from Switzerland.
Oh, that totally stinks. I am sorry that you have kidney stones on top of everything else you have to manage. I hope that you can address this health problem AND get to that reunion. Hugs to you.
Cathy, it made me so sad to read this, but I am glad that you vented here in a community which will love and support you. I am going to add you to my daily prayer list right now and I truly hope you will be at your reunion with bells on your toes!! Feel free to vent whenever you need to.
I'm sorry Cathy. and I understand. Please vent more--it's good for you and good for people to see that even you get down.
I hope you get to the reunion as that can be so great for you
I have been trying to write about the conference. My problems were coming from all angles--usually I'm so much better than I was and I feel so strange talking about that and why
many hugs
It is hard to imagine the pain you deal with regularly. I think you handle it gracefully. But I also understand there are times when we feel frustrated and angry and maybe even fearful over the conditions in our lives. And we need to be express it sometimes. Because we are human. Read the blog I posted yesterday...it will likely resonate with you. Cause I am feeling some of what you are feeling too. Big hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm putting all the mojo I can into getting you a quicker appt. But more importantly, your "negative" comments are just life. And it's so good to be reminded that everyone isn't having a rainbows and lollipops day. It makes us be kinder. So thanks for that. And here's to you getting to that reunion. Love to you, Cathy Squared!!
I am so angry with your doctor too. Is there no way you can have the procedure done sooner? Another place?
Isn't there a medication that can break them up?
Kidney stones are horrific. I am prone to them.
Someone told me to drink vinegar, I couldn't do it but I eat a lot of it now.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can make your trip and these stones leave you quietly.
Cathy, first and foremost, it is so important to be able to vent! No need to be concerned about any negativity! You seem to be very human, real! I'm sure all can relate to your situations. At least some of them. My mother always said,"this to shall pass." I wish you as easy as time as possible until so. Hang in there and I hope you get to spend time with your friends! By the way, I went to see "Every Brilliant Thing" with my daughter. We then walked around the village, with her help!! What a fabulous time! Keep us updated, if you're up to it. hugs, Janet
Oh Cathy, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I really hope it clears up in time to go on the trip with your friends as I'm sure you were really looking forward to it. Sending hugs and support. xoxo
Cathy you have every right to vent! No one is happy and positive every single day. My cousin/sister is a 3 time breast cancer survivor and is now stage 4. She has been fighting for decades and she is sick and tired of being sick and tired too. I struggle with understanding why and remind myself daily that there is no answer. Only the choice to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs and prayers for you and others who are fighting the unfairness of physical ailments. T
I'm sorry to hear this, Cathy. And you have every right to vent. Vent, get it out, move on knowing we all are rooting for you and that things will get better. Being sick sucks, that's all there is to it. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Vent to me any time. You know how to reach me. xoxo
I think what makes a blog so special is its authenticity - and it's why readers are so loyal to yours. They/we/I come because of you. I want to share your joy during the happy times but I also want to be there for you when you're feeling sad or sick or frustrated. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope all the love that's being sent your way helps the healing process. xo
Everyone has said it and I agree - it's OK to vent, healthy even. Better out than bottled up inside. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it really doesn't seem fair at times, does it? I am adding my wishes to the many for a speedy recovery and you making it to your reunion.
Oh Cathy, that's so frustrating. Especially knowing that your doc should've been more proactive in your care. I've been there and it can make you want to punch the slack physician. Hard. And, yes, you do have to vent sometimes. Trying to stay positive and inspired every second while you're under major stress isn't natural. You've gotta vent once in a while. It can be cleansing and healing in itself.
Oh Cathy. I am so glad that you were able to vent and let us all know how you are REALLY doing. I am in awe of how positive you constantly stay...and yet when you let us see you when you are frustrated it lets me know that you are real. I so hope and pray that the next time the dime falls it falls face up for you. And I pray that you will be able to go to your reunion and enjoy that time with your friends - for that feeds the soul. Wishing the best for you, dear friend.
Life does turn on a dime and not always in a good direction, doesn't it? Thank you for trusting us enough and knowing that we, those who are there no matter what direction life turns you, are here sending you healing thoughts and holding a compass so you can find your way back. You don't have to apologize for being you and being human -- let other lift you up and protect you when you are vulnerable!!!!
Life is not all rainbows and butterflies so vent away!
I am sorry to hear about this but you show you have learned your lesson. You fired your previous doctor and you will advocate for yourself more ruthlessly. I hope this situation will pass quickly and painlessly as possible! XX00
Any one who knows and loves you, who has read you for any length of time knows that you are a positive person. And you are more real to people because you are not super human, you are just human.
"I’m also angry at myself for being a better advocate to others than I was for myself."
such a powerful statement, and truthfully, I can relate to these exact words. I have always been so good at allowing others to see their potential and being that support, but I fell off the wagon with my own self care lately. As I rise up again, and know fully well that it is a daily business, the business of taking care of oneself, I do it knowing that I may fall again, but that's ok. Keep moving forward.... Thank you for such a truthful post.
I am "sick and tired" for you --- as if that's any consolation. It definitely feels more than a little unfair that this may interfere with something you have looked forward to for so long. I would tell you to "stay strong" but, where you are concerned, that's redundant.
As far as not being positive all the time, who is? I'm certain that every once in a while even Mother Teresa looked around at Calcutta and thought to herself, "This may just be a lost cause". Still, though, she persevered. So will you, my friend. Sending you good thoughts (and hoping they help!).
Cathy, I learned from my wonderful mentor that when we share that we're hurting and struggling, those who care will come to our aid and hold us up; sometimes literally, other times with love and prayers. I am so very sorry that you have another awful hurdle to navigate. I am sending you positive light and will be keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable places with us.
Cathy, I'm sorry that I couldn't respond yesterday. Dealing with illnesses and the recent passing of parents and friends makes me want to avoid pain. That's a lame response, but I want you to know you are on my mind. We've only met once but I feel as if we are dear friends. As in the M*A*S*H movie you mention, friends are surrounded by chaos, war, and pain - but they find healing in stories, unity, and laughter. You are in my prayers, and I hope you get a new doctor, a new diagonisis, and a healing prognosis so you can attend your reunion and laugh until you puke. Sending hugs from across the country.
Cathy, as others have said, you have to trust your readers to know that this post comes from a place of momentary anguish and disappointment. We've all probably been there at one time or another, and we know that one of the best ways to deal with such things is to share it with a trusted friend who knows when to give you a hug and when to just let you vent. You can count yourself lucky to have so many friends both near and far (real and virtual) who are here for you-- to offer an ear and a long-distance hug. I really hope you are able to navigate through this rough spot and attend the reunion with your friends.
Trying to get good medical care can be incredibly frustrating. I'm glad you have a place to vent. I hope you dime lands heads up too!
Cathy,
I am sorry to hear you were "hit" with something else. I have great empathy as I was "hit" by something recently where I had to take medical leave for 2 1/2 months.
Sometimes I feel since my TBI 7 years ago that all I do is, fight ongoing problems including tremendous fatigue.
Interesting reading this today because I was just thinking I have been "hit" so many times sometimes I don't have enough energy to get up and fight one more round.
I pray and hope with all my heart that things change for the better for you. I truly hope that dime turns heads up.
Also it's healthy to vent at times. We all need that outlet.
Heid
oh hell, this just breaks my heart. I led a "maybe life" for y-e-a-r-s because of the pain and inconvenience of uterine polyps and also debilitating migraines. I tell you this only so you understand my level of empathy with your situation. I'm so so sorry you have to continue to deal with pain and illness. Wish I could give you a big hug! Instead, I'll tell you that I'm glad you wrote this because it is important to let those feelings go onto the page sometimes. It's imperative, actually. You never know who you'll inspire or help or maybe make feel less alone in this sometimes-cruel world. Crossing my fingers and sending positive vibes that all works out with your reunion, and that the stones are able to pass without too much discomfort. *massivehugs*
First, I love the M*A*S*H* reference and the reverent wisdom of Radar O'Reilly. Great stuff.
Second, I love that you wrote this, right when you felt it. When we blog, we sometimes tidy up like we would for company. Writing honestly isn't often tidy. It's real and it's sometimes raw. I got an undeniable sense for the frustration you're feeling ...
And more than that, I feel the underlying strength and hope you feel for better days.
Cathy, so sorry. Posted a comment, but don't think it sent. First and foremost, you are real and allowed to vent as much as anyone. That is not being negative. We have extenuating circumstances. I consider myself a very lucky person, because I too have wonderful friends. More than most! If I didn't get to spend time with them I would be miserable. Hope all goes well for you! xoxo Janet Tancredi
p.s. my daughter and I went to see "Every Brilliant Thing" Then spent the afternoon in the Village. What a great day and fabulous show!
Time has passed since your post on life and kidney stones. I hope you are post recovery now. Your honesty was so wonderful and your willingness to be vulnerable touched me deeply. I too have multiple other health problems besides MS and it can be very overwhelming.
Thanks for being a bright spot for all of us!
Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest and that in itself is therapeutic. I don't have first hand experience of your health issues but can identify with the 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' thing.
Yes, a different kind of blog, but variety makes it an original read. Chin up xx