My favorite baseball movie is the 1989 fantasy-drama Field of Dreams starring Kevin Kostner, the impeccable James Earl Jones, and Amy Madigan. 

The main character, Ray Kinsella, plows down his cornfield to build a baseball field after repeatedly hearing a voice whispering, “If you build it, he will come.”  Ray builds the field, and a ballplayer - Shoeless Joe Jackson – appears on the field after it is finished.  Ray realizes how surreal this is since Shoeless was involved in the 1919 Black Sox Scandal! After gaining Ray’s approval, Shoeless brings in the rest of his team members to play a game on Ray’s field. When the game ends, the team disappears into the cornfield, leaving one lone player behind, slowly packing up his gear.  After this player packs his gear, he slowly stands up and turns around to face Ray and his family.  Ray’s jaw drops after he realizes the player is his father as a young man.

RAY TO HIS WIFE, ANNIE: “Oh my G-d.  It’s my father.”

ANNIE (referring to the whispers Ray had heard): “Ease his pain.  Go the distance.”

RAY to SHOELESS JOE: “It was you.”

SHOELESS JOE:  “No, Ray, it was you.”

RAY TO ANNIE:   “My G-d.  I only saw him years later when he was worn down by life.  Look at him.  He’s got his whole life in front of him, and I’m not even a glint in his eye.”

That scene still sends shivers up my spine.  When the movie was first released, I was mesmerized by its messages of hopeful spirituality, living your dreams, believing in second chances, and believing in yourself.  As I grow older and watch it repeatedly, I begin to understand deeper meanings in these messages that my 30-year-old self did not understand.

At age 53, I understood the phrase “he was worn down by life.”  So much happens to us while life moves on.  Stress, worries, illness, sadness, jealousy, heartache, self-pity, and guilt.  Everyone experiences these at one time or another – there’s no escaping it.

When I think of my life in 1989, my 30-year-old self was a newlywed, enjoying a life filled with love and laughter.  I worked part-time (my MS forced me to cut back on my hours), taking vacations to Europe or short jaunts to our favorite spots in coastal Maine or Western Massachusetts.  Aside from my MS, I enjoyed relatively good health, so as a young couple, we were always busy with friends and family.  It was a magical time.  Our life was as we wanted it to be.

In the book/movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the main character, Holly Golightly, describes her anxieties to her boyfriend, Paul Varjak, like this:

HOLLY GOLIGHTLY: “You know those days when you get the mean reds?”
PAUL VARJAK: “The mean reds. You mean like the blues?”
HOLLY GOLIGHTLY: “No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”

Truman Capote was utterly brilliant when he wrote those few words about anxiety.  Most of us are like Holly when we experience the “mean reds” at one time or another.  We inexplicably find ourselves in situations beyond our control - we lose our jobs, live with an incurable illness, are depressed when we don’t feel well, and our children grow up and move away.  Sometimes friends become distant and unattainable, our bodies don’t cooperate like they used to or we forget what we did yesterday.  Daily stress becomes terribly overwhelming.

All of this can contribute to anxiety and feeling worn down by life.

In an episode of the long-running medical drama/black comedy M*A*S*H, Captain Hawkeye Pierce speaks to Company Clerk Lieutenant Walter “Radar” O’Reilly about Radar’s concerns that his mother, a widow, recently began dating.  Hawkeye, whose father is a widower, explains to Radar, "Loneliness is all it's cracked up to be."

As life moves on, things change.  People move away or grow distant or pass away.  Making new friends as we age is difficult; holding onto friends takes tender loving care.  When we are children, it’s easy to make friends; we go out and play, and our biggest concern is what game we should play!  During adolescence, we make friends in school.  In our twenties and thirties, we are “finding” ourselves by dating, finding a job, and getting married. In our forties, we have children and are involved in raising them.  We are busy with our families and careers while trying to balance both.

When we reach our fifties – or shall I say when I reached my fifties – life changed in ways I was unprepared for. People went their separate ways for many reasons.  Some were empty nesters and wanted to move to a new town.  Some began new careers that took them in a different direction. Some followed their own version of “The American Dream” by purchasing a second home, buying sportier cars, sprucing themselves up, or having an exclusive circle of friends.   This change in friendships has been, admittedly, a difficult change for me to understand.

I believe in loyalty, trust, truthfulness, and honesty in friendships.  Is someone having a hard day?  A five-minute phone call to them can help ease their pain.  An invitation to get together at their convenience?  A return email, text, or phone call to answer an invite is good manners and a sign of a sincere friend. Did someone discuss an illness in the family?  A call to say, “Hey, I’m thinking of you, and I’m here for you,” helps someone feel they are not alone.  We are all on a treadmill of work and home life, and we all have to prioritize what we can do within the confines of one single day.  I still strongly believe we should all hold dear the value of helping one another whenever possible, being there for someone else during good and bad times, and doing our best to try to lift someone’s spirits - always paying it forward to the next person.

Yes, Hawkeye, loneliness IS all it’s cracked up to be.  Being surrounded by good friends is the antidote.

I’ve spent much time lately thinking about my life and what changes I need to make to EMPOWER myself, heal from past hurt, and begin focusing on what’s good in my life to move forward.  I took out a pad and pen and made a list of everything I was blessed with.  The list was long!   It’s an excellent exercise if you need to re-focus your thinking on all the blessings in your life. Once I made my list, I felt rejuvenated.

As I always say, I am a work in progress.  Empowering myself as I get older is part of that work.  Ideally, I’d like to avoid being worn down by life like Ray Kinsella’s father, having any anxiety like Holly Golightly, or feeling lonely like Hawkeye’s dad.  Life moves fast and is always changing.  So I will continue breathing my yoga breaths and focus on the positive side of life.  Along this journey, I hope to continue embracing like-minded people like you, who will help make the journey less anxious, less lonely, and always more rewarding.  I hope I can do the same for you!

“The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.” ~Henry David Thoreau

On a final note, a dear friend of mine emailed me a timely message that was extremely meaningful to me. I hope it will be for you, too:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - Anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it briefly and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."

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