The other day I was talking to someone about the frustrations of selling our beloved home. It’s our dream house and we think it’s beautiful and absolutely perfect, but so far no (sane) offers.
I could write a book about the outrageous cast of characters who’ve paraded through our home with their crazy questions and comments. You would not believe it.
It’s been a frustrating and altogether maddening experience.
When I was finished telling this to a friend she blankly stared ahead, waited a few seconds and then remarked, “In our town homes are selling like hot cakes. I don’t know what your problem is.”
Such empathy.
I remember having a conversation with someone about the financial difficulties my husband and I were having. We were both working tirelessly because of a few downturns we’d recently experienced and we had to tighten our belts. It was a scary and unnerving time, and I thought that talking it over with a friend would help me feel better.
When I was through telling my friend about my feelings there was more than a pregnant pause; there was a choir of crickets. The silence was deafening and when it was finally broken I had to endure listening to stories of recent career successes, luxury items purchased and early retirement planning.
Ordinarily I’d be happy for my friend, but that day my psyche was not set on happiness mode.
I’m thrilled when good things happen to people I care about. I’m always in their corner applauding their joys and accomplishments. It’s wonderful to feel their happiness and I feel happy for them.
But when you take a leap of faith by opening your heart to someone and they’re too busy waiting impatiently for their turn to speak or pass judgment, that’s a whole other story.
As a health advocate I have to be a good listener. It’s my job. So it comes in handy that I was born with a personality that enjoys listening to and helping others. I try to walk around a bit in someone's shoes to get a feel for how they’re feeling. My patient advocacy training reinforced this skill by stressing the importance of being an active listener.
Listen to someone's words and feel them in your heart.
Remember listening to the radio? No cell phones or tablets distracted us from listening. In our parent's generation entire families sat in front of the radio to listen to The Jack Benny Show or Gunsmoke, focusing on what they heard and sharing listening time with loved ones.
What’s happened to the art of listening? As children we’re taught to wait until it’s our turn to speak. As adults we lose that ability. Our lives are rushed at a frantic pace with tablets, cell phones, entertainment, family, friends, employers, neighbors, and our responsibilities in the course of a day all vying for our attention.
Look here! Read this! Like this! Post that! Tweet that! Do that!
Our brains feel like they're about to explode and our wiring becomes frayed. Are our brains on overload without any more room to actively listen?
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway
We can improve our skills through active listening. Active listening is making a conscious effort to hear what the other person is saying, and understanding what message the speaker's words are conveying.
Here are a few do’s and don’t of becoming an active listener. The steps sound simple, and we think we’re already practicing them. But I believe we all fall short. If we all begin to practice becoming better active listeners our world would be a kinder, more compassionate place to live. And to me, that means everything.
At the close of the Jewish New Year I wish you all a year of peace, good health and happiness. Take the time to listen to each other. After all, it takes a community of listeners to make our world a better place to live.
I think it's also helpful for the listener to ask, "how would you like to be heard?" or something similar to figure out what the person speaking needs. The person speaking has some responsibility for conveying their intent--whether it's just to vent or she/he is seeking advice.
I had a friend who would always try to fix things--I had to learn to tell her in advance that I just needed a space to rant. Being an active listener, for me, means tuning in to the speaker's intentions as well as their words!
Sage and heartfelt advice! Happy New Year to you and your family!
I don't really think we've lost the art of listening. There are those who listen and participate in a real conversation and then there are those who are only there to talk about themselves. They are not really even paying attention to what you are saying because they are just waiting for their turn to speak.
Cathy, I love your list of do's and don'ts. I think they should be required reading for everyone.
Some people are really really really good listeners. I've always found you to be compassionate and one who really hears the words of others. You really really get it!
As for those people who you describe in your anecdotes, I so know what you mean. These experiences are painful and frustrating but help us appreciate the good and active listeners. And we know how important it is for us to listen. Otherwise it's not a conversation or a real relationship.
May your new year be healthy and happy. And you get a sane offer!
I think the past eight years have been ones for the records and many people truly can't understand the depths of the roller coaster ride or they don't choose to. So they tune people out because they're either scared, don't want to know anything or just plain rude! I like to go with the first two but.....
Not 10 seconds ago I finished a call with my nephew who has an important job interview this morning and we went over these tips. Thanks for the reminder, Cathy!
I would call those friends insensitive and would question how valuable their friendship is if they respond so callously to you. Life is too short! Surround yourself with people who care about you and hear what you say -- and respond as you would, with compassion.
Boy do I need a reminder like this! I'm a good listener -- but I'm also a terrible interrupter. I've been trying to work on this, and your post will help. Thank you.
I agree with Walker because I'm a 'fixer'. I listen and immediately want to find a solution to help. It isn't always welcome and I get that. These are good tips.
b
Bless you for being such a good listener. It takes patience, humility, empathy, and kindness to do so. Choosing these virtues requires sacrificing one's ego, and mastering these virtues can be a challenge. Hugs to you, dear Cathy.
A great reminder here. With all the techy connections we have and rely on, the fine art of listening is often forgotten. We can all learn much from your tips. Thank you!
I do like to talk but I make a concious decision to listen and try to understand other people's point of view. I love the term 'actively listening' because that is what it is. Concentrating on listening. It is amazing how much your relationships improve when you listen more than you talk.
Sadly, I come across too many people lately who are just like the ones you wrote about. More interested about what they have to say then listening to the words the other person is speaking. I should send some of them your tips!
Thanks for putting into words a problem that we have all felt. It is a nice reminder to us to be as you say active listeners. I have developed a habit of visualizing what people are saying. It helps me pay attention and it also somehow keeps my memory sharper.
Kathleen
I needed to read this. This is a skill I've been working on for years.
I had to share this, because I need reminders all the time. I know I'm not alone, though. I was once at a birthday party the year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the grandmother of a child I'd been caring for asked me how I was doing. When I told her I'd just been diagnosed, she said, "That's nice," and walked toward somebody else saying, "How are you doing?"
I'm a bit too quick on the reply sometimes, but I also realize how important empathy and feeling valued and listened to is - we live in a world that has lost some of that focus.
I guess everyone deserves a pass once in a while for being self-centered boors. But I'm with Helene. Your post is a reminder that we must actively listen and we must actively cull the so-called friends who don't.
Such good insights on how to be a good listener. I especially like repeating back to the other person their thoughts to make sure that I heard and interpreted them correctly. My husband and I had to practice that when we were first married - 34 years ago. We were not good listeners at all. So we would repeat back what the other would one say, so often we had not listened at all. It took a lot of practice to really hear the words spoken. Wishing you a peace filled weekend.
Hi Cathy,
I am actually still working on being "the wall" so my daughters don't feel I judge them. I try counting to five before speaking.
Janice
So true, so true that listening is oh, so important! Everyone wants their story heard and a good friend (or smart person) figures out when to listen, when to try to help and when to share theirs!! Your "friends" may need a swift kick in the...(ooops, did I really say that)! Maybe they don't engage because they can't relate, but I don't understand it either since anyone can asks questions. (I, too, know somebody very close to me that is like this). jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
I have people in my life who simply don't understand the art of conversation, or the skill of letting someone have their moment. It's very frustrating.
Being a good listener is possibly the most gracious thing a person can do, it shows respect and empathy. I remind myself often to listen....just listen. Those folks I enjoy the most are the ones who ask how my children are and then stop to listen. I found when we were experiencing financial hardships some friends retreated as though they felt it was "catching". Folks think finances can be controlled and if you have problems it is your own problem. And as for your other friend...yikes! She should know how you feel about your home. I have seen pictures of your home and it is beautiful. The right family will arrive to love your home as much as you have. In the mean time enjoy it...thank you for this reminder to listen.
Dear Kathy.....I often read the responses others write reflecting on what you have just written. What speaks to me is how true you are to yourself and your feelings and what a gift you have to be able to put it into words. Thank you for blessing me since I have known you. I truly share your frustration when the place you have called home for so many years has to be marketed for others who have no way to know all the love that has filled every nook and cranny . Stay strong. Love you to pieces! Mom
Such good advice! There is nothing more frustrating then when you say something you think is sharing with a friend and the conversation changes without any recognition or acknowledgement to what you just said!
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