As my heart aches from the untimely death of Robin Williams, I decided I'd tell my own story about depression. I hope it will ignite a much-needed dialogue that may help to remove the ridiculous stigma attached to those afflicted with depression.
In times of great crises we all need to feel safe and loved, enabling us to reach out and openly communicate with others about our feelings. Then, perhaps, one bad moment in somebody's life will lead to a better moment, and then another one and another. One day at a time.
Here is my story.
A few years ago I had the misfortune of waking up in terrific pain, feeling as if a knife was stabbing me from the inside out. My back and abdomen battled against each other as I cried out in agony. I stupidly withstood it, knowing that my nephew's Bar Mitzvah, an important occasion in our family, was occurring that weekend. I have no idea how I got dressed, or put on my tight stockings and skirt. I could barely move, sit or bend. Yet somehow I made it through the ceremony and reception. The next morning I finally went to the emergency room, and after six long hours in the waiting room, I was misdiagnosed and then diagnosed with kidney stones. And gallstones.
To make a very long story short, it took weeks to have two surgeries, one lithotripsy, and weeks of recuperating at home.
But worse than the pain was the dark, black cloud that constantly loomed over me. It felt as if I was imprisoned in my own body, unable to be the person I once was. I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't eat, and I had no interest in anything but the dark cloud. I began losing weight, and sat in a chair all day and stared out the window.
I thought I was losing my mind.
The guilt of not being able to care for my son that summer ate away at my heart. He stayed with different family members, and my husband filled in whenever he wasn't working. My parents would visit and bring dinner, but I couldn't rally to sit at the table to join them. The lost look on their faces still haunts me. What was happening to their daughter? How could they help me?
The answer is they couldn't, because I had no idea what was happening to me.
Then one day I was told that my hormones were completely out of whack, and because of what my body endured with kidney and gallstones, the terrible physical pain I endured, and having my MS begin to exacerbate itself, something I'd never experienced before was happening: depression.
My loved ones convinced me that I was not meant to have depression long-term; they were sure of that. They assured me there was no shame in reaching out for help to take care of myself, and urged me to find a qualified therapist for some "talk therapy" combined with the right medications.
They were right.
It took awhile, but I finally found a therapist I was comfortable with, and through trial and error I found the right medication. Slowly I began to crawl away from the dark and back into the light. I climbed back into my old self, and eventually weaned off the medication.
I took back control of my life.
But my life was changed forever, because I got a very small glimpse of what it's like to live with depression. There are days of horrible, unreasonable thoughts, and times when you believe your life is not worth it. The world has a dark filter on it, and everything seems difficult.
It's pure hell.
Watching reporters for the last day talk about Robin Williams, I've heard ridiculous statements such as snapping out of depression because of all the love that surrounds you. If you've never walked in the shoes of depression you have no idea what you're talking about. Robin Williams had severe depression, and only his family and close friends know what he endured. Who are we to guess?
I wish he had found the right combination of therapy and medication, but for now let's stop the guessing and let his family have their privacy to fully grieve in peace.
I pray that Robin has finally found peace. He was heaven to us on earth. I hope that now he is having fun making Jonathan Winters, Johnny Carson and G-d laugh, and that our talented and big-hearted Genie is laughing along with them.
USEFUL RESOURCES:
National Alliance on Mental Illness
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Beautiful Cathy. It made me cry. Your voice speaks for countless people. Thank you for your gentle comments about Robin Williams as we grieve along with his family.
Bravo to you for sharing your story, Cathy. I pray that Robin Williams' untimely death will not be in vain. Something positive needs to come from this tragedy. We all need to become more educated about depression -- not just in ourselves, but others -- and what we can do to help. Talking openly about this disease is the first step. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
see.. this is why you are an empowered spirit.. the journey isn't always easy..thank you for sharing.
So many people have bouts of depression at one time or another. You were astute enough to recognize the signs and lucky enough to find good treatment. So glad you persevered. Thank you for sharing this very personal story, Cathy.
Thanks so much for this, Cathy. I really needed it. As a chronic sufferer of depression I have found Robin Williams death has hit me hard and as time goes on it has been getting worse. It is good to hear someone understanding the feelings and the effects on health. It's not something that can just be shaken off and needs to be talked about.
Time to find something positive to look at. Thanks for helping me out.
Oh my friend, this brought tears thinking of you suffering. I am so sorry for that dark passage in your life. Years ago I had some painful back problems that had me laid up. I would wake up in the morning and "sigh" because I knew I had another day to get through. (How sad is that?)Thank goodness I started to feel better....but I wrote some dark, if not inspired, poetry through some of this. Anyway, I know MS makes your life a challenge and I am always amazed by how you turn your pain and experiences (like this one) into a gift of advocacy for others. Big hug.
Great post, Cathy. People don't always realize that a physical condition can bring on depression. I can't imagine how living with a long-term illness wouldn't... hang in there.
If one good thing can come out of the loss of someone as special as Robin Williams, it will be educating people about depression. I know I've learned a lot in the last few days. Thank you for sharing your story, Cathy. I have a family member who struggles with depression and I've said all the wrong things. Now that I know more, I'll support him in a more productive way. I hope it helps.
Cathy, you are an amazing woman who inspires me daily. By sharing your experience, you're helping educate all of us and it brings another voice to this very important issue of depression. You continue to be a ray of sunshine in my life and am blessed to call you my friend.
Your story of survival and willingness to share it have all my respect. I'm sure it took a deep breath and many stops and starts to get it up on your screen.
Depression touches almost every family at some point yet we often don't recognize the warning signs. By sharing your story you're helping to change things.
Cathy as you know I have suffered because of my Feltys syndrome and also suffer from depression. I am in a good place now but that wasn't always the case. For an entire year before being diagnosed I was told it was all in my head and because of this at one point I became suicidal. I heard snap out of it so many times. It took me along time and even still today that the feelings will come back scare the hell out me. If you haven't been there you just can't understand! Thanks for sharing your story. I have actually written about this and it was something I was going to cover after my Caregiver series ends this month. Then I will share my story.
I'm glad you were able to come back from it. someone I love suffers from it and it is a dark hole of pain, for sure. stories by brave souls like you will help shed a light on this subject that is so misunderstood.
Carol
http://carolcassara.com/depression/
I have the unfortunate experience of both depression and my mother committing suicide.
I was too young to understand why she did it, but I do know the effects of it will never go away. Suicide also kills a part of the family members who remain behind. When i began to be depressed I spent a lot of time blaming myself....through the grace of God I found someone who helped me climb out of it and teach me how to cope. Those tendencies will always be there, but I won't do to my children what my mother did to me. That is her gift to me....as odd as it sounds she saved me because I couldn't repeat the behavior.
I am glad you managed to get out of depression. I agree with you that it's not possible when in the depths of it to just snap out of it. Depression is brought on by a complex mix of life events, physiology and thought patterns, and you can't just shed all that in a moment. Besides, when you are depressed you don't feel lovable, so you can't feel loved.
I was depressed for most of my late teens and twenties, though I didn't realise it at the time. The level varied, but it was grim at times. I had it again after a miscarriage, and I was interested that you experienced it as dark cloud over you - for me it always felt as if there was a wall in front of me and that was most intense after the miscarriage. I have spent over a decade learning to let go of thought patterns that led me into depression, and
The connection you make between depression and illness is one I can understand too. One of my daughters has has several prolonged illnesses, and sometimes became depressed towards the end. Depression in children isn't recognised much so at first I didn't realise what was happening, but when I did I was more able to support here through it, and reassure her it would pass. I am glad that your MS does not make you feel depressed. It must be hard to live with, and you have my admiration.
Wow Cathy. So sorry for all you went through but so thankful you're sharing your story my friend!
Thank you for sharing this with the world, Cathy. I don't think I've ever understood what true depression is like. Your story and that of Robin Williams are opening my eyes and mind to what it's really like, and the despondency that it brings. I hope that this story and Robin's, open peoples minds so that they can try and support anyone going through depression. xo
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate in more ways than one, but I'm not ready to share.
Thanks for the words/education, Cathy. Through your experience and thoughtful words, and TV coverage, I feel as though I am more educated on Depression - it is not just a "aww, get over it" illness.
-Kelly
I'm so glad you got the help you needed. After 20+ years of therapy, I finally went on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. It was like a fog had been lifted from my brain. I can't believe I went through 40+ years of life without that kind of medical help. Better late than never! And I have no shame about it, either. 🙂
Oh, Cathy, I am crying and can't imagine how hard that time must have been for you. Sharing your story here will help so many people, and I hope the facts behind Robin Williams' tragic death will, too. I don't know why society has made depression so hard to talk about. People need to be able to ask for help and get it, and what you've done here is a huge step in making that more possible. I hope you realize how inspiring you are and how many people love and admire you. With lots of love, the president of your fan club xo
Thank you for bravely sharing your story, Cathy. You're an incredible inspiration... as always.
I've been in the dark spot in the past (even considered how to create a car accident that would keep my loved ones from knowing I'd just wanted to commit suicide). It's a dark, dark hole to crawl out of it. Thank God I did. Thank God you did, too.
xoxo
Thanks for sharing your story. I agree that most people do not fully understand. Having lost 2 family members to suicide I know what the family goes through. Last year my cousins husband died this way. It only takes a brief moment and was nothing he ever wanted to do. He was the happiest guy in the world who went out of his way to help everyone and love life. I am glad to hear that you have had success with this. My heart goes out to you, and everyone else who deals with this, even for a moment.
Hi Cathy. Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully it will help others who have faced that darkness to find solace and healing. It's difficult for those of us who have never faced it to imagine what a cave it is. Your story helps make it more understandable. And I'm very glad to hear you found your way through it all. ~Kathy
I am so glad so many people are speaking out about their depression in the wake of Williams' death. Thank you for sharing your story -- the more we do this, the more the stigma (hopefully) will ease and those who need it will reach out for help. I waited years to get help, and life is so much more beautiful and abundant now..... I want everyone to know that help is available and that we can find joy again. xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing your story Cathy. You made me cry too.
I am so glad you were able to battle back and you are so right. The stigma has to go.
Robin Williams death crushes our family. My stepson died the same way. Our hearts are breaking for his family and friends, knowing the crushing guilt and pain they are feeling.
Beautiful, from the bottom of your soul piece Cathy! It is so hard for people to understand the brain dynamics of depression and many who lack support and knowledge, self medicate with drugs, alcohol, or even food to try desperately to get that chemistry back in balance. Thank you for putting your experience out there as an example of a success story of working through with the proper help and support!
So well said and brilliantly written. And let us say ... Amen.
Knowing the Cathy that smiles at me every morning via this blog and FB, makes me ache twice as hard for the Cathy that was caught by the demon of depression. What courage to share you story, Cathy, and continue the dialog about mental illness!
Having lost my brother to suicide, I don't know that any of us that are left behind will ever fully understand what drives our loved one to take that final act of desperation. What I do know, though, is that I don't judge. Mental illness is a terrible manipulator, stealing rational and reality from those it haunts.
Much love to you, my friend. I'm so glad you had the support you did and got the resources you did. xo
An honest, touching and sensitive post, Cathy. None of us really have the right to judge what others are going through and we need to keep in mind that depression comes in different forms and degrees. It's utterly insensitive and naive to say it's something one can just snap out of and be cured by love or change in mindset. Anyway, I agree. Let's hope that Robin Williams is now happier and in peace.
Cathy, thanks so much for sharing this. We have a family member who is suffering from depression, which came right after an operation for cervical cancer (and hysterectomy). She's been hospitalized and released, but is still home bound and not able to go outside. One of the challenges is that with mental health issues, the doctors can't share much information with her family. Anne Lamott wrote yesterday that one third of the people in our lives suffer from depression or addiction issues. I suspect she's right. Sigh.
Thank you for this beautiful testimony, Cathy. Anyone who endures chronic pain knows that is eats away at your soul and makes depression inevitable. Your encouraging word will bring strength to more people than you realize.
Cathy, I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I too had one brief glimpse of mild depression, when I had the "baby blues" after my 3rd child was born. I never had it with the first two, and so it was unexpected. I remember how lonely and trapped I felt, so I can only imagine what a person with more severe and long-term depression must be going through. Although Robin Williams' death is so tragic, if there is one silver lining we can gain from it, it's that so many people are coming forward with their own stories of depression and how they overcame it or are continuing to battle it. I think it's so important for the message to be heard that depression can be controlled and managed if people obtain the proper help and support..thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you Cathy for your bravery. Indeed you are brave to tell it like it really is. You made me smile with your last paragraph about Robin joining, Jonathon Winters and Johnny Carson. What a sweet thought. Well done old chum!
Cathy, I found this so poignant. I too have experienced depression after major surgery. I think it's only natural. Like you, I eventually broke the surface, but it gave me much more empathy for those who battle daily. Thank you!
I'm so sorry that you struggle with depression. Your diagnosis of hormones being a contributing factor is very interesting. I know that as I transition through perimenopause I've had a lot of hormonal depression as well.. Thank you for telling your story, it helps to hear that we are more alike than we think.
Thanks for sharing your story so honestly and beautifully. It's so important to realize that depression is a REAL condition; although we can't always see it, like we might see a physical condition, it affects people profoundly.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. There are times when I get like that for an hour or so, and I know that is nothing, but it scares me anyway when I feel I can't get out of my funk. But luckily so far it has never gotten worse then that. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Nobody has the right to say what somebody should have done until they have walked a mile in their shoes.
Your words are powerful Cathy.
As you said, "one bad moment in somebody’s life will lead to a better moment, and then another one and another." Sharing your story has started that chain.
Someone referring to Robin Williams death mentioned that he "also had the beginnings of a physical illness, Parkinson's." I don't think people understand that depression is physically based, as your story so clearly indicates. Thank you for this post.
Cathy - I think about you very often, and I really admire your writing and what you stand for.. It is because of your honest and down-to-earth posts like this one, that I can relate to you and your thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story here, and for always sharing your stories so that we all can learn from your courage and strength; wisdom and humor. I have had down and dark times in my life. I guess my situation can be described as extreme anxiety and so forth, rather than actual depression. But still - whatever the emotional "label," It's so important for people to talk about their feelings and not hide things under the rug. So kudos to you!
I sometimes think that if only a bunch of women would gather together and just vent and share, we'd realize we all are in this together. Everyone thinks he or she is the only one going through stuff, but each one of us has her own stuff.
Lots of luck to you and keep writing your amazing content. I treasure every word because you give me the strength to move on. I know that many many others feel the same way about your writing and about you.
I too, was deeply moved by the death of Robin Williams. I am an author and a licensed substance abuse counselor in the the state of Texas...and I suffer from clinical depression. The thoughts have been brewing for a while, but yesterday was the day, the day I could put my thoughts into words. Your story moved me, mostly because I found it all too familiar, even down to the opening picture of the darkened clouds of the all too threatening approaching storm.
I've been told it takes courage to write about depression. When I wrote, I didn't feel courageous, just a strong need to inform those I could reach, which you have done so well.
Tonight @ 8:00 (all time zones) is the "light a candle" for mental illness/suicide.
Thank you again for your words. I am new to your blog but will mark it to follow. Strange that I should find you today.
Peace be the journey, Terry Lee
terryleeauthor.blogspot.com
Cathy, were you able to see my blog post? According to what I see here, there was no connection made.
terryleeauthor.blogspot.com
As I look at the picture I selected, it seems to work perfectly for me. My world turns from technicolor to shades of gray during depressive episodes. In the picture, everything EXCEPT the girl/woman is in color...