As we lumber through the difficult, polarizing days of 2020 I'm reminded of the last time Americans faced this much turbulence.
It was 1968 and the United States had a president with low approval ratings, the war in Vietnam had no end in sight, Olympic athletes protested racial injustice, two shocking acts of violence took the lives of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy, feminists protested misogynistic attitudes toward women and bitter divisions between citizens threatened to rip the social fabric of our country apart.
We lost a deep sense of community that year. What I mean by community is when people support and share their experiences and struggles out of a deep concern for others. Community is what builds lasting relationships and provides us with a strong sense of belonging.
In 1968 the black clouds of turbulence and trauma were tearing our communities apart. In 2020, here we go again.
“We were born to unite with our fellow men, and to join
in community with the human race.” – Cicero
Growing up in suburban New Jersey I was keenly aware of current events but like most nine-year-olds my world centered on school and social activities. The headlines of 1968 seemed far removed from my hometown, my neighborhood, and from me.
I grew up in a neighborhood built during postwar America when families moved from cities to the suburbs. When I look back it reminds me of the childhood scenes in "It's a Wonderful Life." There were plenty of children close to my age and we often played outdoors together. In summer it was kickball or kick-the-can and in winter we took our Flexible Flyers and metal saucers to the top of the hill for the thrill of sledding down several adjoining backyards.
The only instructions from our parents was to be home before dark.
Our childhood was a unique and idyllic one that helped us establish important values of a lifetime - kindness, integrity, truth, fairness, decency, trust, and cemented bonds of friendships that have lasted for sixty years.
“The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities; but to know someone who thinks and feels with us, and who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.” ―
Not everyone grew up in a neighborhood like ours and I'm cognizant of that. The values I learned all those years ago are ones I've leaned on in my darkest days. This year I've needed them more than ever.
As the nation faces four simultaneous crises: a pandemic, economic upheaval, systemic racism and social injustice, our country is fractured between blue and red, left and right. Such division hasn't occurred since 1968 and this state of affairs is troubling.
I wish I had a magic wand to heal the world. I'd return a strong sense of community to reignite moral and ethical values. I think it's what we need.
Our deeply divided country is lashing out from the anger and frustration we feel. Can we ever heal and rebuild trust in each other? Can we pause and open our hearts to someone else's point of view? Can we begin the difficult task of constructive conversations with people of differing views? Will our dire situation remain unsolvable?
I'm not happy with the cancel culture but I'll admit to unfollowing people who refuse to wear masks and tell others to do the same. I unfollow those who are mean, violent, or spread fear, hate, or lies. I don't want them at my table.
Alan Alda, who now focuses on communication skills through his Alan Alda Center for Communicating Science at Stony Book University, is quoted as saying the following:
"Trust...is the essential building block of any good conversation, especially with someone who may not be on the same page. 'You're not going to have trust if you assume, before you even start, that this person is beneath contempt,' he said. Think about 'what ways this person is not your enemy' and even 'in what ways you're very much alike.'" ~Alan Alda.
Our negative emotions are unhealthy and need to be tamed for the sake of wellness. How can we do that?
As I thought about writing this post it occurred to me that the lessons I learned as a patient are applicable to everyone this year:
In a pandemic world, here are a few ways to maintain a sense of community:
Social isolation. Social isolation is a real problem for many people. Consider calling someone who lives alone. Drop off a meal, send a text, write a letter, send flowers. Remember to ask how someone is feeling and if they need anything.
Stay connected. Social media can be many things but in the age of emotional devastation and uncertainty, it has the potential to create connectedness. It can integrate the elderly and vulnerable populations into everyday lives. It can create sustained, engaged concern for the wellbeing of others.
Join a group. During the pandemic, there are many ways to find others with similar interests. I've taken online yoga classes, meditation, and wellness classes, art museum tours, and group business coaching events. All were interactive and held on Zoom. I found them easy to maneuver, pleasurable, and they helped ease stress and anxiety.
Zoom or FaceTime: I've reacquainted myself with old friends and relatives I fell out of touch with by using the Zoom app. It's been a lot of fun with tons of laughter, and very gratifying. Now that we have more time for ourselves it's the perfect time to schedule a session with those you've been thinking about.
To paraphrase a quote from the Talmud:
Whoever destroys a soul it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life it is considered as if he saved an entire world.
With the upcoming holiday season let's remember that being kind to even one person can help save the world. Let's do our best to build a sense of community, one kind word at a time. Let's get started...
Always a pleasure to read your thoughts, thoughts that are positive and sincere.
My joy amidst the horrible year is the birth of a beautiful great granddaughter. I reach out to my phone or iPad whenever I catch a glimpse of some grifter spewing lies, or updates on the virus., I look at pictures of the great grand and somehow the world is a better place. Your writing evokes a better place
Be well.
I love your posts, Cathy, and this one is wonderful too! I’m also a child of the 1960s and although I grew up in Brooklyn and not New Jersey, I too feel like our childhood was calmer and simpler than these days. Your suggestions are so on target.
It is so wonderful to have connections. I loved reading about the life that we shared as kids. We were so very blessed to have grown up in a community that valued their children, allowed us the freedom to grow into ourselves and become responsible adults. The balls in our court now and it's our turn to pass along those values that nourished us when we were young. It comes back to being connected.
It is so worthwhile to be there for our youth. I challenge everyone to reach out to kids and help them to navigate their course. There are many opportunities to mentor, teach and take an active role in the life of someone who needs a positive role model.
I will be forever grateful for the adults in my life who gave their time to help me to be a better person. Thank you to my teachers, my scout leaders, my church youth directors, parents of others who treated me like family, and especially to my friends that I made along the way. My life in better for having known you.
Thanks Cathy for keeping us all connected.
As usual Cathy, you touched all the important points! As a child of the 50's myself, I shared the same kind of childhood you had in the 60's: freedom, space to explore, loving parents who were nurturing but not smothering, simple pleasures, shared adventures with my friends. Even though it was the cold war and we had duck and cover air raid drills in school, these things did not sully our innocence or dampen our joy and connections. I was a college student from 1966 to 1970, and so had a very different and abrupt introduction to adult life and conflict. I had friends on both sides, but we quickly became polarized. We felt self-righteous in our convictions and labeled the other as wrong or bad, even evil. My connections to my closest friends kept me centered and safe, but didn't blunt the violence we saw around our country. Final exams and graduations were cancelled at Boston University, and we were told we had 24 hours to vacate the dorms. Again, family and friend connections kept us all going. Our country and the world settled down. While the following decades were not turmoil-free, there didn't seem to be the extreme divisions we have seen in the past few years. Friends and family, neighbors, acquaintances in the community, our local leaders - they have all been supports and connections to safety, happiness and health during this time. Above the fray, and in the midst of the fray, we can still turn to loved ones, connect with people on many levels, and see that our basic needs and hopes and dreams are shared by everyone. There is always someone willing to listen.
Thank you Cathy, for your kind, inspiring and loving posts. They help us connect to our better selves.
Hi Cathy, thanks for another well-researched and thoughtful post. I love the quotes, too.
I'm at a place where my body needs to hibernate, and yet it is still important to maintain relationships so that someone will be there when I emerge.
Love to you, Joan