When our friendships are authentic they add countless benefits to our lives. True friends encourage and support us. They challenge us to do and be our best. They motivate and cheer us on during good days and bad. They understand our frailties. They listen with open, non-judgmental hearts and add great joy to our lives. There is mutual trust between good friends.
"The most memorable people in life will be friends
who loved you when you weren't very lovable."
In .49 seconds Google revealed there are 287,000,000 results for the word "friendship" and in .51 seconds I learned there were 5,250,000 results for the term "finding your tribe."
Despite those incredible numbers I've added several of my own posts about friendships and tribes. Why? Because as we get older friendships play a pivotal role in our lives. Something we once took for granted in childhood (wasn't it easy to make friends in the classroom, on the playground or around the neighborhood?) takes on a whole new meaning in midlife.
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."~Donna Roberts
This weekend I had the good fortune to get together with a group of women I've known for several years. Our common bond is that we've all been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I feel at ease with these incredible ladies, and not only because we live with MS but also because we support and encourage one another unconditionally.
There's no need for explanations, no repercussions for being forgetful, and no fear of seeming aloof because of overwhelming fatigue.
We know what the other person is going through, and although MS has not manifested itself identically in any of us, we still understand.
There's something unique and special about that.
There's a wonderful article in The Atlantic titled "How Friendships Change in Adulthood" by Julie Beck in which the author details how friendships are tenuous over the course of a lifetime. Partners, children and parents are all relationships that fare better than friendships because we must tend to them. Friends are what we choose for ourselves, and while the best ones provide us with happiness they are often neglected because of the busyness of life.
Beck said that, according to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, people of all ages are generally looking for a friend who is:
“Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy. These expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change.”
The article sums it up by saying, "Friendship is a relationship with no strings attached except the ones you choose to tie, one that’s just about being there, as best as you can."
What we value most in friendship is different for everyone. As we age and begin to live with physical and emotional ailments our definition of friendship begins to change. That's when we need to open the door to our hearts a little bit more. Not every scar is visible to the naked eye.
“To have a friend and be a friend is
what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown
Beautiful. This one brought tears because I have friends who fit this bill. Thank you for always saying what in my heart through your writings.
I loved this discussion of friendship and what the best ones are like. I have had good friends and bad, but I do think we have an innate need for them.
MS can isolate us from our friends when we lose the ability to easily go out and enjoy each other. We are so fortunate to have the internet and social media to give us ways to connect anyway.
Thanks! I love this! I've always had a real soft spot and genuine intrigue over friendships. It's wonderful to have people who you can just simply BE with and that's enough. I also love how you can not see or hear from a genuine friend for many years and in an instant be exactly where you left off from! Thanks for being one of my new friends that I feel connected with through the internet and hugging once at a conference.
Heartwarming! I only have two girlfriends who fit this bill for me and they are priceless!
Recently, a good friend moved to a new community. About a week later, I was chatting with her and she mentioned she was going to take a walk with a new friend. It actually sounded weird to me because I don't use the term "friend" very lightly. For me, its a term that I use for a very select group of people- I am still friends with my college roommates. I have friends that I have met through work and I have wide range of people that I enjoy spending time with, taking walks, book club, Mah Jong but they are people I am friendly with, not my inner circle friends. I wish there was another word other than acquaintances to describe that wonderful group of people who you have fun with, enjoy going to dinner with but probably who you don't necessarily want to spill your guts to.
There's nothing better than friends with whom you, regardless of the time since visiting face to face or in techy ways, both fall right back into where you left off—loving, laughing, supporting one another and cherishing the connection.
Yay for friends! And this great post on friends.
xoxo
What a great piece Cathy! You have the friendship down pat because you sure are a good one!
Having moved so frequently throughout my life it wasn't always easy making and keeping friends, but the ones who stayed connected, even when we moved away, will always be closest in my heart.
I'm still in the process of making new friends in our new hometown, and the older we get the more difficult it becomes. Always worth the challenge, though.
Great piece! I have also made a group of MS friends and it never ceases to amaze me at how close we became so quickly. I guess we realize how tenuous life can be
Love this Cathy. I recently had dinner with two different roommates from 30ish years ago. Even though I hadn't seen either of them in many years, it was amazing to pick up right where we left off. You can't replace people like that in your life, people who knew you when you were in your twenties. And it's also incredible to make friends later in life, like you, and have that bond. Sending love and hugs from San Diego.
So well said! A friend holds your heart, your secrets your wishes. My Dad outlived all his 'A' List friends, those that knew him, knew who he was. I thought it was funny when he told me about this but I truly understand!
So true. I just met 4 women who have been friends and close neighbors for 57 years. They are vacationing together, which really bespeaks their love for each other. Soooo amazing, heart warming, and inspirational. I asked if they'd ever fought and they said "no" though they have had differences of opinion.
Diane Keaton's awful rendition on The Oscars notwithstanding, I think of that childhood song, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." A good friend is truly a gift and the older we get the more we can appreciate that. Enjoyed this post, Cathy.
Such a beautiful post, Cathy. It makes me proud to be able to call you my friend. Now, if we could just find a way to shorten those 3000 miles ... xoxo
friendships have been such a core issue to me over the last few years - coming to grips with one in particular that I needed to let go and appreciating the others and definitely the need to tend and invest time in the ones that are special to me. Great post Cathy!
I think the older we get, the harder we want to work on friendships. We seek the company of like-minded people who 'get' us. Your post made me think of that verse from Dinah Craik's poem:
Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
You are so right about friendships, Cathy, this is such a great post. While I am a friendly person, I have only a few close friends, and they have been my besties for over 30 years. Leisure activities bring the possibilities of friendships together too, as I have found with the windsurf gals I met 6 years ago. I also cherish the "friends"I have met on Facebook and in the blogosphere!